I

The UnBreakup 

It got so bad that I didn’t even want to breathe the same air as him. He’d call me, and I no longer answered with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of his voice, but I reluctantly answered his calls out of sheer obligation. He didn’t call me because he missed the sound of my voice, but instead, to stop me from bitching about how our lack of communication was ruining what was already ruined. I felt like those moments in which we dwelled happily in the same time and same space were rapidly slipping away, and I honestly didn’t care to chase the past. I was looking forward to embracing my future without him. That’s precisely when he called and he said in a rambling manner, “I can’t do this anymore.”
I detected hint of melancholy in his voice, but I’m not sure if he rehearsed this line to make me feel as though he actually cared or if he was genuinely sad, so I just stayed silent and breathed. If he was truly hurt, then I certainly didn’t want to add to his pain. He is a great guy, he just isn’t so great for me –at least not anymore.
  “I don’t know how we got to this point, and I don’t know how to get out of it. All I do know is that we can’t stay in this place; it just doesn’t seem right,” he said. “Our vibe is off or something.”
I didn’t quite know what to say. We were about to break up, and I didn’t want to mess it up. If I spoke as if I cared too much, then he might’ve taken it all back and gave me the work it out speech. If I acted like I didn’t care at all, then I would become the topic of conversation with all of his friends, and forever be known as “the cold heartless bitch,” or even worst, “that complete waste of time and energy.” I had to find a balance and provoke an amicable split.
“I don’t know how we got to this place either,” I said. “I remember when we couldn’t be apart from each other, and now it’s just difficult to sit silently in the same room. I just don’t know how something so good turned so bad so quickly.” I sighed heavily into the phone. “I miss what we had, but I’m not sure how to get back there, or even if we can get back there.” Hot damn, I almost believed my own words. Now it was just time to slide onto home base and close the deal, and we’d both walk away freely without any animosity.
“I keep thinking about the first day we met,” he said. “I think about how I was so afraid to approach you, and I just kept looking at you. I would have probably never talked to you, but then you came over to me and started flirting. You remember that?”
“I’ve always hated when people stare at me, and I’ve found it a lot easier to just initiate conversation,” I said. I was trying to keep him focused and on the task at hand instead of reminiscing of a spark that had long faded to darkness.
“Yeah, but maybe everything is for a reason,” he said. He sighed deeply in the phone. “There is a reason why I happened to be in a restaurant that I don’t even like two hours away from my house, and there is a reason why you spoke to me. I believe we can get through this.”
“Are you really sure that you want to try this again? I mean –what if this turns out to be a complete waste of time, and in two years, we’ll be both having this exact same conversation. Or what if it gets worst and we end up hating each other. I don’t want to hate you,” I said panicking.
“We could never hate each other,” he said, in an attempt to reassure me. “How about we start over? I’m gonna court you… and we’ll go on dates… and it’ll be just like before when we were happy. How about I take you out Saturday night?”
I could sense that this was a battle I had already lost. If I said no, then again, I would have become that cruel heartless bitch. I had to say yes. Un-fucking-believable! I had an out, and I was so close, and now I’m getting sucked right back into this hot mess because I’m too much of a chicken to end it my damn self. I can admit that I care for him, but caring for a person does not mean I have to spend the rest of my life in limbo with him. Sure he had his charming moments, but recently those moments rarely visited me. CHICKEN SHIT, I thought to myself.
“I’d love that,” I said in an attempt to sound as pleasant as possible.
I must have sounded like I was pleasantly hesitating because he said, “stop worrying, I promise things will turn out okay. I love you,” then he hung up the phone.
That’s when I went to buy a fifth of Circoc vodka, and called it a night. I didn’t get to call my best friends and scream, “Free at last… free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last.” Instead, I’d end up drunk.

2

The NonBreakup

She became a leech that did nothing but suck the fun out of my life. It got to the point where every time I’d call her, she seemed like it killed her to talk to me. Most of the time I didn’t even want to talk to her, but I felt like I had to call her, because if she called me before I called her, it would end in a screaming match which I frequently loss. The awkward silence during the conversations we no longer have is better than the arguing. My friends and I nick named her the Debbie Downer because the fun spirit seemed to commit suicide whenever she was around.  That’s when I finally got the nerve to end the shit, and I called her.
“Hey,” I said.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“I just called to see… well I just called to ask… you know what: I just can’t do this anymore,” I said. I had said this line over and over in my head to insert just the right amount of sadness so that she would think I actually gave a shit. “I don’t know how we got to this point, and I don’t know how to get out of it. All I do know is that we can’t stay in this place; it just doesn’t feel right.”
I waited for her to say something, but she didn’t say anything. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her. She is such a good girl, and we had a lot of fun times together but somehow things just took a turn for the worst, and I needed a change.
“I don’t know how we got to this place either,” she said in a low tone. “I miss what we had, but I’m not sure how to get back there, or even if we can get back there.”
Oh no… I thought she’s about to start crying of some shit. I don’t need every girl in town to think I’m some kind of insensitive jerk that never gave a damn; I’m not “that guy.”
“I remember when we couldn’t be apart from each other, and now it’s just difficult to sit in the same room with you. I just don’t know how something so good turned so bad so quickly,” she said as she sighed deeply into the phone.
 I could hear the pain in her voice. Though the current circumstances were unfortunate, I remember a time when the earth ceased to exist if we weren’t together. Her touch was addictive, and her kisses were sweeter than honey.
“I keep thinking about the first day we met,” I said. “I think about how I was so afraid to approach you, and I just kept looking at you. I would have probably never talked to you, but then you came over to me and started flirting. You remember that?” I asked her. She had the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen, and she wore this really tight short red dress that had me standing at attention throughout the entire dinner.
“I’ve always hated when people stare at me, and I’ve found it a lot easier to just initiate conversation,” she said. I could hear her sniffling in the phone, and all I could think about was breaking her heart. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to break the heart of a girl who just yesterday yelled, “FUCK YOU” loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear just because I was too tired to go see that stupid Twilight movie.
“Yeah, but maybe everything is for a reason,” I said. I sighed deeply in the phone. “There has to be a reason why I happened to be in a restaurant that I don’t even like, located two hours away from my house; and there is a reason why you spoke to me. I believe we can get through this.”
I listened to the words fall from my mouth, and I immediately got a little nausea from the thought of repeating the same hell I was desperately trying to climb out of. What the fuck was I saying? In my mind I was thinking YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT DUDE, YOU WERE HOME FREE… AND YOU BLEW IT! You are such a spineless idiot!
“Are you really sure that you want to try this again? I mean –what if this turns out to be a complete waste of time, and in two years, we’ll be both having this same exact conversation. Or what if it gets worst and we end up hating each other. I don’t want to hate you,” she said sounding as if she was about to have some sort of heart attach over the heartbreak any minute now. I had to take one more for the team.
“We could never hate each other,” I said, in a desperate attempt to try to calm her. If this chick passes out and croaks because I broke her heart, then everybody is going to think I’m a complete asshole. I could see it now; I’d be painted all over 60 minutes as the man who no longer cares about women. Feminist groups will travel to my house to picket in the streets, and egg my car.  “How about we start over and give this another shot? I’ll court you… and we’ll go on dates, even that vampire love movie from last night… and it’ll be just like before when we were happy.” I still not sure how I managed to let any of these words ooze out of my mouth. “How about I take you out Saturday night?”
“I’d love that,” she said. She sounded as if she was numb –like she had just lost her best friend.
“Stop worrying, I promise things will turn out okay. I love you,” I said as I hung up the phone… then I went to by two dime bags and got sky high all night long. This would not be the night that I hit the clubs with my bros, and throw ones at strippers all night. Tonight, I’d simply be high.